Sunday, 19 November 2017

I made a mistake.

Location : Fall Trace. 

I've had a bit of a roller-coaster weekend, emotions wise, and needed a familiar release... so although yes! This is a blog post! I'm not officially back. Or maybe I am. I'm still not sure.

I feel like as with most things, I may have rushed in. It's always weird to me how things can appear wonderful from the outside, without too much thought, but the second that a link is broken you're suddenly capable of seeing all the flaws, all the red flags... and upon meticulous dissection of conversations and situations, you're left with a feeling of "Oh shit. I fell for that again, didn't I?".

I am the very first to admit that I'm less than perfect. You want to insult me? Go ahead. There's no freaking way you can insult me more than I insult myself. As with many people, I have a myriad of issues with regards to mental health, and one of them is Borderline Personality Disorder. 
I tell people not because I'm worried about doing them harm. I'm not evil or malicious. Neither am I a liar or a manipulator. I do however defend myself and my thoughts rather rigidly, and once I've come to a decision (and no doubt ranted through all my options with some very patient friends), I will probably (maybe) listen to your perspective, decide I've already considered this (which I will have, and about 12 other points of view), and go along and do my own thing anyway. I'm kind of a bitch like that.

I tell people about my BPD in the hopes that they will actually do some research and/or take the time to understand me and my thought patterns. I'm learning that the people I don't want in my life make no effort to understand me. I'm pretty set in my ways. I'm terrifyingly introverted (although noisy af... it's a thing.), and I am undoubtedly scared to death of being abandoned (among other things, of course).

I have also come to terms with the fact that my BPD means I'm a target for a certain personality type. I'm pretty sure we've all been in a relationship that has made us feel uncomfortable, that has given us the "Bad Gut" feels, which we may have ignored for a little too long, or forgiven for a few weeks/months or years longer than we should have...
But what happens when your gut doesn't do it's job? The gaping emptiness, the broken promises, and then the ultimate betrayal of being blamed for being you dig yet another hole of insecurity into your heart, and you find yourself thinking "If I keep doing this, I'm going to lose myself completely".

This seems like a depressing post... and I apologize... but it's not really depressing, is it? It's a learning curve. It may be that an emotional weekend has caused me to re-evaluate myself and my actions, but ultimately;

Hi. I'm Pickle. And I'm still here bitches.

All of the things :

Body: -Belleza- Freya 
Skin : Essences - Anya @ Kustom9
Head : CATWA Lona
Eyes : CATWA Mesh Eyes 
Eye Applier : -SU!-Delora Eyes Fatpack /ULTRARARE/ (Gacha)
Ears : ^^Swallow^^  Rox Ears 
Nose piercing : [VEX] Double Crossed Nosering
Hair : Tableau Vivant \\ Cindy Kustom9
Necklace : Amala - The Genevieve Necklace Kustom9
Shirt : {le fil casse} Allison Top for Luxe Box October

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