Sunday, 25 February 2018

I let you go.

Pose : FOXCITY Melancholy-2
Background/props : Trompe Loeil - Margaux Photo Backdrop + Surround
{moss&mink} Drop Curtain (Updated textures!)
Refuge - Bunbun Stool
Balderdash - Green Stardrop creeper
.AiShA. Light Ball
Toro. Tropical plant 
<:*BoOgErS*:> Blush Bear

I make no secret of the fact that I have been incredibly unlucky when it comes to SL relationships, or well, relationships of any kind, really.
I'm hard-headed, opinionated, and while I can play the placid wall-flower for a certain amount of time, it's never long before the screaming angry bitch in me comes out and wants to make stabby hands when I'm least expecting it.
You know what I learned from accidentally dating all these wrong men?
It's not always me that has the problem.
Many times I have felt myself curl up into this position mentally. Wondering what the fudge I can do to make things better. I should be meeker, I should be louder, I should have more confidence, I shouldn't talk back, I should shrink myself to the point where I'm almost pocket-sized and won't interfere with their life at all. Instead, I'll just slot right in without a word, and they'll eventually see that I'm perfect, they'll wonder what they ever did without me, and that's what love is.
I know this isn't healthy, and I see it all now. But then... then all that mattered was me making them happy, regardless of the toll it was having on my health, on my mental state. 
Any grown man would have seen what I was doing and called me on it. Instead, these boys took advantage and played with my head even more. Slightly broken, and slightly bruised (ego-wise), I made a decision to just stop. I even remember saying to a close friend "I'm done with the whole SL dating thing, every time I meet a man I like they allow me to forget what it is I love to do, they don't support me, and they poke fun at my interests. Fuck this. Punch me next time I tell you about that awesome new guy I like, please?" 
And then Santi came along.
I wasn't interested at all.
In fact, it took two good friends to tell me to give him a chance before I even acknowledged him, but rather than him jumping up and down, forcing himself on me, he stood patiently waiting for the moment I would see him - and then, I did.
Things aren't easy all the time, and we've had a couple of bumps, but I no longer have that bad feeling in my stomach.
I don't worry that I'm going to oversleep and he's going to have left me 12 emails, 6 voice messages and a thousand skype texts asking me who i'm fucking and threatening me.
I'm not making myself sick when he hangs up on me, because it's not leading to another 3-day absence where he could be 'cheating' on me.
He doesn't get jealous when I explain to him that the reason I am the way I am is because of shitbags I've just described, and he'll rationalize and take that pain away for me for a while, and most of all, I know that unconditionally, he is there for me (unless his sodding internet gives out!).
In just a few short months, he has begun to help me undo and understand what I have been through with past relationships simply by allowing me to talk about them with him and get through the "Why am I like this?" crap. I've never, ever thought of myself as an insecure person, and it's not just "SL" people who I have had issues with in the past, it's RL too... 

Essentially, what I'm trying to say is, if it makes your tummy turn, if it causes you any sort of anxiety to be in the relationship you're in, for the sake of yourself and your sanity, run away. There are ups and downs in every relationship, sure, but you know if you're in a good one, and if you can escape the bad one, you need to find the strength to do it. Being alone isn't that bad, and I believe that there's got to be a Santi for everyone.

All of the things : 

Body, Hands & Feet : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara
Body Skin : [theSkinnery] Maitreya Skin Applier - peach
Head : CATWA Lona
Eyelids : L'Etre - Natural mesh eyelids
Earrings : :: SAGA :: Spring EarLoops 
Hair : #Foxy - Lovesick Hair 
Tattoo :  DAPPA  - Taisho Tattoo Kinky Event (open 28th Feb)
Nails : Astralia - Compatible mesh nails system
Nail Polish : Hello Dave - Nail Appliers - Astralia - The French One
Harness & Lingerie :  #EMPIRE - Heart Harness (Previously @ The Fetish Fair, now closed, please allow time to transfer to main store location)

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