Friday, 30 March 2018

Don't know what I'm doing.

Pose : FOXCITY. Insomnia-1 (Fatpack exclusive)

Background : uK - Mystic Dew Drops
ANTINATURAL[+] Post-Human / Void Bathroom Lootbox

As you may have guessed yesterday I've been feeling kinda meh for a couple of days and I decided to get that shit out of my system by taking a picture depicting it.
Little did I know that it would actually become more than I thought it could be.

Let me explain.
Along with being an anxious bunny, I struggle with depression. It's also no secret that I also have borderline personality disorder, which, like anxiety & depression, affects every sufferer differently.

This backdrop is absolutely fudging perfect to express all the feels I've been going through for the last few days. The spilling of the sink is everything I cannot deal with overflowing, my anxiety just running onto the floor as I struggle to cope with general day-to-day tasks as simple as feeding myself, or picking the phone up when it rings. The floor breaking under my feet signifies more of the falling apart I can feel, as though if I don't keep up appearances or plaster the smile on my face and act like a positive human being when I all want is to crawl into my bed, everything will crumble beneath me. Finally the door, the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not far, Pickle. All you need to do is stand the F up and walk a couple of paces and you're there. You've escaped.
But then you get to the bigger picture.
You're not struggling with the environment at all, really. It's the inner you. The monster you become when you can have an episode pushing those people who care for you and you care for far away.
There's expectation, the manacles, tying you to what you think you should be doing compared to the things you need to do to save yourself. Those chains, they're also your fears, if you break them, you have LITERALLY no excuse to not behave like a functioning member of society - but if it's been a while since you functioned, that fear on it's own can keep you locked up.
The collar around your neck, that's extra weight, distraction. Like pushing food around on your plate and never lifting the fork to your mouth you're just not feeding yourself with the positivity you need... another reminder that though you're technically free and you have the key to end your own suffering, you're not yet strong enough to stand up to what is essentially your own self.
So you just sit there, and you watch things fall apart around you, feeling sorry for yourself and rubbing at your temples because of the constant headache you feel, your eyes closed and those monstrous hands wrestling to stay tender as you soothe yourself in the best way you know how - in the safest way you know how.

I'm reminded of a situation 10 years ago that has haunted me. I went to a tarot card reader. Something that always, always interested me. I sat down and she read my cards for me, and there is ONE thing that has stuck in my head, and that was... "You'll never be happy because you don't allow yourself to be happy."
To someone like me that's not just a blanket statement. That's something that has smacked me in the face every time I think that sought after happiness is almost within my grasp. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm miserable - the  majority of the time I'm really not, but I am definitely a realist... and I can't help feeling as though that one sentence from that stranger (Who also told me I would have a lovely wedding and go on to have twins - which was actually a totes balls-up), has effectively scrubbed any hope I had for happiness from my future because of ME. Because *I* am incapable of it. Essentially, I have victimized myself.
I don't mean to appear like a victim, I'm well aware that there are many, many people who deal with far more than I ever have, who are still standing tall and adulting effectively. I would love to find out why it is certain people have that ability and why I'm not one of them, but I'm not sure it'll be seen in my lifetime. 

Rest assured, despite this apparently negative post, I am not in an absolutely terrible place. I am not a danger to myself and although I may joke about going on a rampage with a machete, it's not currently on my to-do list. I'm aware this is a phase, and I actually feel a bunch better having succeeded in using this blog and picture as therapy.

I genuinely hope your friday is full of love and laughter and if it's not? There's almost always a tomorrow.

All of the things : 

Body :  Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara
Shape : Kaleidoscope : Shine Shape
Head : CATWA Catya
Skin : .: fiore :. STACY Catwa Applier 
Eyes : CURELESS [+] Yuurei Eyes
Eyebrows : Bossie. Annie eyebrows [catwa] 
Eyeshadow :  Veechi - Pulse Shadow [Catwa] @ Uber
Ears : ^^Swallow^^ Ears Elf HD 
Hairbase & Hair : Tableau Vivant \\ Mei hair @ Neo Japan Event (Opens tomorrow, 31st March)
Tattoo : DAPPA - Draco Tattoo. @ Kinky Event
Collar : 21. [CX] Necronomic Mother - Collar - Mono/M/RARE (gacha)
Pasties & Panties : From the Moon Elixir - Gothique Gacha
Hands : ANTINATURAL[+] Post-Human / Monsterhand (Gacha) @ Lootbox
Foot claws : [CX] Canidae Claws

No comments:

Post a Comment