Monday, 21 May 2018

Hold tight.

Pose : Animosity - Kiss Me ( Mommy/Baby) @ The Galleria

Background & Propstuffs : 

{moss&mink} Chloe crib @ Color me cute (Child event! Please go appropriately dressed!)
{moss&mink} Unicorn Party - Hanging Stars 1 GIFT
{moss&mink} Floor Cushion GIFT
Note : Moss&Mink are giving away TWO GUEST PASSES for the arcade early access, and also THREE MONTHS of access to the blogotex (that means all the releases during that time will be given away free!). All you need to do is join the group in world - you can do so at the landmark provided or click >Here< ... and don't forget to pick up the group gifts! There are more that aren't shown!

Items from *AR* - Shabby Princess Bedroom Set
Includes : *AR* - Dossel - Shabby Princess (Canopy - note, Moss&Mink will be releasing TWO canopy options that perfectly match the Chloe Crib @ the mainstore soon!)
*AR* - Shabby Friends' Bench (Small) - Shabby Princess
*AR* - Pegasus - Shabby Princess
*AR* - Crown - Shabby Princess

_CandyDoll_ Dolly Heart Rose Rug - Rezz

Set up inside the Trompe Loeil - Margaux Photo Backdrop + Surround

Today's post is going to get a bit real, and I'm already having a slight amount of anxiety about it, but I think it might lead to a greater understanding for people of me - and maybe other people out there like me. It's also going to pave the way for bitches to be petty, but you know what? Bring that shit on, because NOTHING can make me feel worse than what I'm going to explain.
I've briefly grazed over some of the issues I face daily, just with the way my brain works. These issues haven't just affected my life, my also the life of my daughter. 
While I took this picture I was absolutely overcome with emotion, my daughter doesn't live with me. She lives with my parents. She's not neglected - quite the opposite, but when she was eight years old I had to make a decision. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but one that I would make over again for her benefit.
So, I have agoraphobia, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. Where none of these 'issues' leave me wanting to do harm to myself, or others, it does mean there are days or weeks where I do feel unable to take care of myself. These issues began to heighten around the time my daughter started Primary School (around 5-6) and though she was always clean, fed, clothed, loved etc etc... she did start to miss School and other important appointments because I as a mother, couldn't give her what she needed. Help stepped in, and around the age of eight, I allowed her to go and live permanently with her Grandparents.
Part of me has always felt like I'd never be a good enough mother for her. When she was a baby that feeling was easy to ignore - everyone is overwhelmed when they have a baby, because all of a sudden you realize that baby is going to grow up into a person, and you're almost solely responsible for everything it takes to get them to be functional as a human. Once that thought has sunken in, there are trials that arise.. she needs a patch to correct a lazy eye (Thanks babydaddy), so you have to think up ways to make "being a pirate" cool, you spend weeks showing her a potty and getting her to do poopoo's and peepee's there, cleaning up when she has an accident in the bed at 3am. There's dentist appointments, doctors, and then playschools and nurserys, and mothers groups and filling their days with activities - along with all the things you both need to survive. Cleaning the house, making sure there's food in the cupboard, general Adulting that comes so easy to most.
When I made the decision to allow my parents to take over, I thought it would be temporary. After a few months, it became obvious that my issues weren't going to just go away... and surprise! I'm still stuck in the same rut - probably worse if I'm being honest with myself - and she's just turned 15. My parents have all the rights I have as a mother, they make her decisions (of course, I'm included. There are still meetings and phone calls and appointments I can sit in on). It's since been discovered that she has autism, and because of that her behaviour can be challenging. Sometimes, I don't see her as much as I should because I am unable to leave the house - and that's NOT OKAY... but we speak often over the phone, and although I don't have the normal "Mother/Daughter" relationship with her, I think she knows without a doubt that she is loved.
When she was 14, just before her 15th birthday, she called me, her voice was excited as she walked home from the local park.
"Mum, mum! I kissed a boy today."
I don't know if I ever told my mother that. 
Every day I wake up to the fact that I am not a good enough mother to be a Mum to my own child.
Every time the phone rings, I am scared that it is my daughter or my parents, that something bad has happened and I'm unable to be there directly.
There have been times within SL where I have mentioned my situation to people, and as soon as their loyalties have switched, or I am no longer of use to them, they have thrown the fact that my daughter doesn't live with me in my face, that's nothing compared to the reality of that cold, hard fact. Let me just tell you, for many people who willingly "give their child up" to put in someone else's care, it's not about the adult. It's about the child. I could not care for her the way she deserved. Now she is with my parents an entire world of opportunity has opened up for her... She can play instruments. She goes to multiple out-of school activities that I would never be able to keep up with. She is getting the help and support she needs to be able to deal with her Autism. Her prescription glasses are always up to date, because she's being taken to all the appointments on time, etc etc. She is loved. She is cared for. She is her own person. The only... ONLY regret I have is that I am not there for it all, but I am watching. I am cheering her on, and I will never, ever stop being the person who carried her for 9 months in my belly, she will ALWAYS be my baby, and I will ALWAYS be available to her, just not in the conventional way.

I'm not sure if there's a point here, other than to keep on keeping on, the best way you know how.

Most of the things, Little Pickle : 

*Note : this is an alternate avatar, some appliers, including skin, are lost forever in her inventory because it is not at all organized!

Body : Bad Seed Bebe Body 
Head : *TD* Bento Mesh Head #Alice
Eyes : Muriel. Expressive Eyes
Ears : random.Matter. - Haruhi Ears
Birthmark : [okkbye] bold birthmarks 
Pacifier/Dummy :{WF} Jorie Paci - Pink (Gacha)
Head Bear : <:*BoOgErS*:> Wear-A-Bear Head Brown (Gacha) (not sure if these are available anymore, check marketplace)
Hair : #Foxy - Mai. (Unrigged, for littles)
Scarf : {Little Miss} Scarf
Shirt : {Little Miss}  Muscle Tee
Pocket-Bunny : .Birdy. Pocket pet {Bunny} (Gacha) (not sure if these are available anymore, check marketplace)
Rings : paper Damsels Ella Bento rings 
Sweater : {Little Miss}  Tied Bomber 
Pants : {Little Miss}  Cargo Pants
Shoes : {Little Miss}  Baby Keds

All of the things, Pickle :

Body, Hands & Feet : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara
Head : CATWA Magy
Eyelids : L'Etre - Natural mesh eyelids
Skin : Insol: Lona applier  A-Gacha @ Kustom9
Eyebrows : Bossie. sarah eyebrows [catwa] 
Freckles : Bossie. freckles & beauty marks [catwa] 
Ears : .:[PUMEC] :.  - / Mesh Ears\ Bohemian 
Hair base : Just Magnetized - Basic Hairbase - set 03 for CATWA
Hair :#Foxy  - Kels.
Necklace : e.marie // Rose Necklace @ The Galleria
Shirt : _CandyDoll_ Yuki Top (Mainstore Release)
Pants : +MB+ Lola Leggings 
Shoes : _CandyDoll_ Yuki Heels (Mainstore Release) 

1 comment:

  1. Hugs tight you are more of a mother then some sweetheart .... <3