Monday, 28 May 2018

Piece of mind.

Pose : Le Poppycock-Swoon @ Ultra (Edited head & arm in Animare)

Background & Props : {moss&mink} Ornate divider 

Refuge - Bunbun Stool

{vespertine}- room plants 

Ever since I wrote about my daughter, I've been feeling kind of introspective. My moods have been slightly more unstable (lol.. shh.) and I've been thinking probably far too deeply about certain things.
I feel lucky right now - lucky because I really did have an outpouring of support, and I also was lucky enough to have some beautiful people reach out to me and tell me their stories, some so similar that my heart hurts for them, others so different that I am grateful again for the support of my extended family.
It all got me thinking about all the absolutely shitty things I have done in my life.
I don't consider myself a bad human, quite the opposite. But sometimes, sometimes, that miserable, jaded asshole comes out from inside me, and I end up striking out at people who just do not deserve the sharpness of my tongue.
I am not a violent person, but I know that I am capable of hurting people with my words, and when I am hurting the easiest thing for me to do is to lash out and hurt someone else. Misery loves company, right?
I have done some terrible, terrible mean things both in SL and out. I've hurt people on purpose because they hurt me. I've planned out horrible revenge on people and systematically broken them down, all in the name of "But it'll be funny". I can be incredibly manipulative and I'm more than capable of telling people what they want to hear in order to get what I want.. but now?
I don't want to be that person.
Whenever that part of me rears up, I become hyper aware of the fact that I am becoming what I hate. I have to sometimes start along the 'mean' track, to be able to realize what I'm doing is wrong, and reverse it. I know this is painting me in an awful light - and maybe I'm justifying wrongly, but I don't believe this makes me an awful person - it just makes me a person. 
I think my moral standards are pretty high, for the most part. But as I grow, as I develop, it's important that I remember those mean things I've done in order to never put anyone through that again. It's important that I take ownership of those mistakes, apologize wherever is appropriate, and move on from them, because I don't want to continue down that same path.
It's also important that I really, truly DO grow from having made those decisions in the past, and attempt to consciously never put anyone through that kind of pain again.
Naturally, I'm going to slip sometimes... and all I can do is apologize and take ownership again when or if that happens, but as long as I continue doing my best to be the best me I can be, to be kind and patient wherever possible, to grow positively with hope and love rather than pain and hurt... I think I'll be doing okay.

Wishing you the best for a brand new week!

All of the things : 

Body Hands & Feet: -Belleza- Freya
Skin : Essences - Allison Pale 01 @ Kustom9
Head :  CATWA HEAD Magy
Eyes : CATWA Mesh Eyes 
Eye Appliers : Go&See * Sparkle * Catwa Eyes @ Anybody
Eyeshadow : Veechi - Radiant Liner @ N21
Freckles : Bossie. freckles & beauty marks [catwa] 
Septum & Bindi : :: SAGA :: Venus Jewel Set @ ULTRA
Ears : ^^Swallow^^ Dragon Ears 
Ear weights : HAIL Open Ring Ear Weight 
Hair base : Just Magnetized - Basic Hairbase - set 03 for CATWA
Hair : *Besom~ Toltec N21
Necklace : e.marie // Rose Necklace @ The Galleria
Top : -Pixicat- Bohemian.Top @ Collabor88
Nails : ~GD~Doll Anthem(Long Coffin) - Belleza BENTO Hands
Rings : (Yummy) Free Spirit Rings @ Collabor88
Shorts : .miss chelsea. Cary Shorts @ Uber
Sandals : #EMPIRE - Florent  Access

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