Monday, 2 July 2018

Drift by.

Pose : AP - Bergen 04

Location : Elysion (Paid group needed for entry)

Man-Pickle is looking a little contemplative today, mayhaps that's because he's a mish-mash of styles in what is essentially a greenhouse.

So let me explain what's been going on in the world of Pickle lately.
Something inside me changed when I posted the "Hold tight" blog (you can find that >Here<). 
Part of my issue with leaving the house has been that I was completely caked in guilt and shame. I was horrified that I could be a person who gave up their child, even to family, and that lead to me worrying profusely about how to field awkward questions from people. 
I remember vaguely being "okay" enough to leave the house and go to a coffee shop with a friend about 4 years ago. I was fine, until a complete stranger turned to me and said "So what do you do?"
I didn't - and still don't - do anything. I remember not being capable of answering his question. Of sitting there, gripping my latte in my hands, staring intently at the swirls in the milk wondering how I could tell this person I didn't know that I did nothing. That I am essentially a failure. So, being the overly emotional Pickle that I am, I sobbed silently until my friend noticed, and led me out of the coffee shop and took me home. Luckily, she's an amazing, understanding woman who is completely supportive of me.
Until two or three weeks ago, I hadn't left the house for 18 months. When I received the outpouring of support I suddenly realized that although there are people who will no doubt sit and judge, there are also people who will not only completely understand what I am going through, but will also hold me up and cheer me on.
I've always held to the belief that there was a switch in my head that needed to be flipped, that one day I would wake up and want to change... and I can only describe what happened as the switch flipped. Things had got bad. I was dating shitheads in SL that I allowed to abuse me (that's another story, after all, how can you be abused in SL?). I wasn't taking care of myself, or my home. I was ignoring everything that meant anything, because I just couldn't deal with the fact that I was such an epic failure and how could I POSSIBLY be any use to anyone, given the mess I'd already made. Essentially, I was alive - but I wasn't living.
Now don't get me wrong, things haven't magically improved to the point that all the negativity I felt has dissipated. I still harbor a ton of negative thoughts... but now? Now I feel like I need to live. I need to get up off my arse and do something. I need to try and make a difference in the lives of the people around me that mean something - REAL LIVES.
So, I've been making slow changes. I visited my parents and my daughter over the last few weeks, and this weekend I stayed there. 
I've been to the doctors. I'm now starting the steps I need to take - steps I have taken in the past, that now feel entirely different - to get myself healthy. I am taking medication. I'm going for blood tests. I'm starting to fight back.
I'm not saying everything has changed - I'm incredibly weak right now, and this is going to be a terribly long journey, a journey I have started and failed in the past... but again, this time, it just FEELS different.
I am not only being honest with myself for the first time in a long time, but I am being honest to people around me, and I hope that in the long run, SL will become less of a crutch for me, and I will be able to use it in a healthier, more productive way. I hope that I'll become a proper, functioning member of society.
I don't doubt that I will have bad days - today especially is emotional, and I think that's just because over the weekend at my parents I was forced to not only socialize, but also to see things in real-time that I had been happily ignoring for a long time.
Once again, I have no idea what the point of this post is, other than to act as a form of therapy for me, so selfishly, that's what I'm doing. Maybe, just maybe, it'll help you too.

All of the things : 

Body, Hands & Feet : [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body
Skin : Clef de Peau.Jasper Skin [CATWA & LELUTKA]
Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley 
Eyes : CATWA Mesh Eyes 
Eye Applier : LOTUS Mirror Eyes (Gacha) @ Access
Beard Applier : Beusame // Beard V42 Tintable
Hairbase : Stealthic - Male Hairbase
Hair : Vango. Aaron @ Men Only Monthly
Glasses : [Z O O M] K-shoot Glasses
Tattoo : DAPPA - Steel Tattoo. @ Signature Event
Necklace : amias - HOVIK 
Shirt (over shoulder) : TABOU. Rico Shoulder Top @ Signature Event
Pants : not so bad . mesh . GABRIEL pants .TMD (Open 5th July)

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