Monday, 28 January 2019

Fix these kinks.

Pose : ::: FF(Now Ana Poses) - singel pose - gaming

Props : .miss chelsea. Joli Sheer Curtain (Gacha)
{moss&mink} Modern Princess - Beaded Lamp (Light) (Gacha)
{moss&mink} Geo Computer (Pink)  @  A+ Event
+Half-Deer+ Book Clutter II - Pastel - Messy Row soiree
+Half-Deer+ Book Clutter II - Pastel - Messy Stack Big soiree
Garbaggio // Pickle (Custom, from a super awesome frand! Thank you beautiful!)
dust bunny . secretary desk 
[Fetch] RudeAF Candy Stool - Nah (Gacha)
NS::  Pom Pom Fluffy Rabbit @ Fluffy Kawaii

Happy Monday! 
I know there'd usually be a man-Pickle or at least a Durex in this post, but obviously today they're both missing, and you're left with some nude Pickle butt. Not sorry!

I think I may have discussed this previously, but I have -diagnosed by a therapist- Borderline Personality Disorder and lately, I've been watching some online videos regarding this uh.. condition? Personality? I don't even know what to call it because "Mental Issue" just sounds eeky and like I'm ready to stab someone with a machete at any moment, which really isn't the case... (mostly).
I'm not sure how many of you will identify with this disorder, but I'm sure there will be a few of you that even though you don't have this condition, you may relate on some level, because let's face it, you don't have to be bonkers to feel some type of way sometimes. Anywho, specifically referring to the issues I've always experienced with maintaining healthy friendships and relationships, I've learned that the a lot of the traits I have there are actually borderline traits, and I'd like to talk about that a little. Now, don't for a moment think that just because I'm talking about this, and you potentially identify with something similar that you have Borderline, but if you do your own research and feel like you might, I highly recommend talking to your doctor or therapist and finding out for certain. don't diagnose yourself for lawds sake!
So according to my research, as a person with Borderline, I'm unable to stay in a grey area when it comes to people and their actions... and this has proven to be true a LOT recently. I have a tendency to be either "Yep, they're awesome" or "Nope, avoid", and people that sit within that grey area for me are kinda irrelevant and I am unable to focus on.. but honestly, that grey area is TEENY TINY in the grand scheme of things, I'll either decide immediately that I like or dislike you, or I'll fold you into the grey area of "I don't mind you.. BUT." 
There's also the huge issue of being unable to see past black and white, like "Hey I like you today" but when your actions don't match your words, I can't quite compute that, and suddenly you're a terrible person and now I'm ranting and trying to understand why it is I think you're a terrible person when actually, you've only done one minor thing that isn't -perfect- but I can't unsee it and now I'm spiraling and OMG!
So I knew I did these things. More recently, I have been desperately trying to understand why I have always felt like this, and it was only thanks to the accidental youtube binge I went on that I discovered it was most definitely a borderline trait.
Now, I'm not saying that because it's a part of my 'mental illness' it's something that I (or you by proxy) should just deal with - I really don't feel that way at all. However, it does allow me to forgive myself for the past issues I've had with friendships and relationships, and now I'm fully aware that it is part of my brain malfunctioning, I will hopefully be in a position to correct it as it happens. 
That being said, it does leave me in a bit of a tizz when I think about it, because now I really do second guess myself, but as I said to Potato a couple of days ago, "When I get that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about a person, does it really matter if it's just my borderline?" I guess I'll keep you updated!
I may refer to my "Midlife Crisis" fairly often, but it really is a journey of self-discovery, and of self acceptance and improvement. I am not perfect. I will never BE perfect... but I can be better and I really feel like the greater the understanding I have of my mental illness, the more facets of it I can work on, and ANYONE who is mad at personal improvement is just not worth worrying about.
Have a beautiful day, Spoonies.

All of the things : 

Body Hands & Feet: -Belleza- Freya
Head : CATWA Magy
Skin : Go&See * Laura * @ Gloss
Eyes : LOTUS. Beauty Eyes @ Equal10
Hair : booN Lab.009 hair
Tattoo : DAPPA - Persempre Tattoo. @ Equal10

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